CONDITIONS: Voldemort cannot Apparate and his feet are stuck in buckets of cement; Vader’s cape is being constantly tugged by two indestructible German shepherds; Voldemort has no horcruxes and nobody will sacrifice themselves for Vader (obvs).
Lord Voldemort vs. Darth Vader
ARENA: A funhouse mirror room.
CONDITIONS: Voldemort cannot Apparate and his feet are stuck in buckets of cement; Vader’s cape is being constantly tugged by two indestructible German shepherds; Voldemort has no horcruxes and nobody will sacrifice themselves for Vader (obvs).
CONDITIONS: Voldemort cannot Apparate and his feet are stuck in buckets of cement; Vader’s cape is being constantly tugged by two indestructible German shepherds; Voldemort has no horcruxes and nobody will sacrifice themselves for Vader (obvs).
Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Xena: Warrior Princess
ARENA: A Japanese bathhouse billowing with magical steam that shrinks clothing and armor.
CONDITIONS: Buffy has three stakes and a tautly twisted towel; Xena has a knife and an endless supply of goose feather pillows that will burst upon contact; both are feeling very vocal today but not articulate.
CONDITIONS: Buffy has three stakes and a tautly twisted towel; Xena has a knife and an endless supply of goose feather pillows that will burst upon contact; both are feeling very vocal today but not articulate.
Who wins?
Mulan vs. Princess Jasmine
ARENA: The roof of Wayside School (the one that is falling down).
CONDITIONS: Mulan has a whip and several large fireworks; Jasmine commands a shrunken down Raja (he’s the size of a large housecat) and Oddjob’s deadly bowler hat.
CONDITIONS: Mulan has a whip and several large fireworks; Jasmine commands a shrunken down Raja (he’s the size of a large housecat) and Oddjob’s deadly bowler hat.
Who wins?
Ronald McDonald vs. the Burger King
ARENA: A 25 foot circular platform hovering over a massive frialator (no trans fat oil is being used).
CONDITIONS: Ronald is equipped with an arm cannon that shoots 20 pound burgers; the Burger King wields a bladed spatula and french fries that act as smoke bombs when they hit the ground.
CONDITIONS: Ronald is equipped with an arm cannon that shoots 20 pound burgers; the Burger King wields a bladed spatula and french fries that act as smoke bombs when they hit the ground.
Who wins?
Ariel vs. Flipper
ARENA: Open water below a senior class booze cruise.
CONDITIONS: Ariel has a rapier and can create and manipulate mini-currents; periodically a drunken college student drops into the water and Flipper must get them to safety on one of several life rafts drifting around the ship while fighting.
CONDITIONS: Ariel has a rapier and can create and manipulate mini-currents; periodically a drunken college student drops into the water and Flipper must get them to safety on one of several life rafts drifting around the ship while fighting.
Who wins?
Politcal Lady Free-for-all
COMBATANTS: Condoleezza Rice vs. Madeleine Albright vs. Sarah Palin vs. Hillary Clinton.
ARENA: Chamber of the Senate.
CONDITIONS: Condoleezza can stretch her body to incredible lengths and shapes; Madeleine is invisible and can project powerful force fields; Sarah can generate flame, surround herself by it, and fly; Hillary is a bright yellow beast with superhuman strength.
ARENA: Chamber of the Senate.
CONDITIONS: Condoleezza can stretch her body to incredible lengths and shapes; Madeleine is invisible and can project powerful force fields; Sarah can generate flame, surround herself by it, and fly; Hillary is a bright yellow beast with superhuman strength.
Who wins?
Marvin the Martian vs. ALF
ARENA: Hogwarts’ Room of Requirement when a place to store something is needed.
CONDITIONS: Marvin possesses a lightsaber, a bag full of live cats, and can perform lightning-fast cartwheels to dodge; ALF has an eight-foot long tongue, can unhinge his jaw, and can spit back items he has swallowed at incredible speeds.
CONDITIONS: Marvin possesses a lightsaber, a bag full of live cats, and can perform lightning-fast cartwheels to dodge; ALF has an eight-foot long tongue, can unhinge his jaw, and can spit back items he has swallowed at incredible speeds.
Who wins?
Albus Dumbledore vs. Batman
ARENA: A roofdeck runway show for male underwear models.
CONDITIONS: Albus cannot use any Unforgivable Curses or Apparate and he has a blindfold on; Batman's suit sounds like Styrofoam when it rubs together.
CONDITIONS: Albus cannot use any Unforgivable Curses or Apparate and he has a blindfold on; Batman's suit sounds like Styrofoam when it rubs together.
Who wins?
Little Orphan Annie vs. Maria von Trapp
ARENA: Detroit.
CONDITIONS: Annie can swing and hurl money bags filled with gold bars and can send currents of electricity across the ground by tap dancing; Maria has a rosary lasso and can fire bullets from her guitar case like in Desperado; both must commentate the fight through song and must make the kill while hitting a high B flat.
CONDITIONS: Annie can swing and hurl money bags filled with gold bars and can send currents of electricity across the ground by tap dancing; Maria has a rosary lasso and can fire bullets from her guitar case like in Desperado; both must commentate the fight through song and must make the kill while hitting a high B flat.
Who wins?
Kevin McCallister vs. Mr. Miyagi
ARENA: Whipstaff Manor from Casper.
CONDITIONS: Kevin is given two days to rig the mansion and a budget of $5,000 at Home Depot; Mr. Miyagi is on a bad LSD trip but has no qualms about killin’ a bitch.
CONDITIONS: Kevin is given two days to rig the mansion and a budget of $5,000 at Home Depot; Mr. Miyagi is on a bad LSD trip but has no qualms about killin’ a bitch.
Who wins?
Holiday Free-for-all
COMBATANTS: Santa Claus vs. Lucky the Leprechaun vs. the Easter Bunny vs. a 10-foot tall turkey.
ARENA: The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
CONDITIONS: Before the match, the biggest fan of each holiday dukes it out against the other holiday fanatics. The fan that wins assists their holiday icon in the final battle.
ARENA: The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
CONDITIONS: Before the match, the biggest fan of each holiday dukes it out against the other holiday fanatics. The fan that wins assists their holiday icon in the final battle.
Who wins?
Forrest Gump vs. Edward Scissorhands
ARENA: Nam.
CONDITIONS: Both believe that their ladies’ lives are endanger and can only be saved by killing the other; Forrest has several shrimping nets and can throw bladed ping pong paddles; Edward can transform into a bird named Eddie Scissorwings to fly far far away or simply go for Forrest’s eyes.
CONDITIONS: Both believe that their ladies’ lives are endanger and can only be saved by killing the other; Forrest has several shrimping nets and can throw bladed ping pong paddles; Edward can transform into a bird named Eddie Scissorwings to fly far far away or simply go for Forrest’s eyes.
Who wins?
Oscar the Grouch vs. Scar
ARENA: The steel mill from Flashdance.
CONDITIONS: Oscar has Inspector Gadget’s helicopter hat and go-go gadget arms; “Flashdance…What a Feeling” is playing at an obnoxiously loud volume on repeat but at a frequency that Scar cannot hear.
CONDITIONS: Oscar has Inspector Gadget’s helicopter hat and go-go gadget arms; “Flashdance…What a Feeling” is playing at an obnoxiously loud volume on repeat but at a frequency that Scar cannot hear.
Who wins?
Big Bird vs. Kermit the Frog
ARENA: The Matrix.
CONDITIONS: Big Bird has the Bride’s Hanzo sword from Kill Bill; Kermit is wearing sunglasses and can divide into 100 Kermit clones.
CONDITIONS: Big Bird has the Bride’s Hanzo sword from Kill Bill; Kermit is wearing sunglasses and can divide into 100 Kermit clones.
Who wins?
Madonna vs. Cher
ARENA: Yankee Stadium.
CONDITIONS: Madonna has random spurts of energy that allow her to move faster than a ray of light, wears a bra with massive drills, but must get down on her knees every four minutes like a prayer; Cher can turn back time 30 seconds for each two minutes, commands a rabid Babe the pig, and can hurl hearts of stone at 80 miles per hour.
CONDITIONS: Madonna has random spurts of energy that allow her to move faster than a ray of light, wears a bra with massive drills, but must get down on her knees every four minutes like a prayer; Cher can turn back time 30 seconds for each two minutes, commands a rabid Babe the pig, and can hurl hearts of stone at 80 miles per hour.
Who wins?
Spice Girls Free-for-all
ARENA: Paula Deen’s kitchen counter.
CONDITIONS: The Spice Girls are all one foot tall.
CONDITIONS: The Spice Girls are all one foot tall.
Who wins?
The Paperclip from Microsoft Word vs. Jiminy Cricket
ARENA: The interior of a hamster ball that is rolling about in a bobbing canoe.
CONDITIONS: Both ends of the paperclip are incredibly sharp, and he can magically hover and hurl his body; Jiminy has wire clippers and his umbrella cannot be punctured.
CONDITIONS: Both ends of the paperclip are incredibly sharp, and he can magically hover and hurl his body; Jiminy has wire clippers and his umbrella cannot be punctured.
Who wins?
Luigi vs. Robin
ARENA: The top of a rushing train.
CONDITIONS: Luigi has Batman’s utility belt and all gadgets; Robin has access to all Super Mario Brothers power-ups but the invisibility star; both were just force fed three pounds of fettuccine alfredo.
CONDITIONS: Luigi has Batman’s utility belt and all gadgets; Robin has access to all Super Mario Brothers power-ups but the invisibility star; both were just force fed three pounds of fettuccine alfredo.
Who wins?
The Wicked Witch of the West vs. King Triton
ARENA: The Lincoln Memorial.
CONDITIONS: WWW can fly on her broom and commands her army of flying monkeys; Triton is confined to the reflecting pool but wields his magical trident and has legions of leaping piranhas at his disposal.
CONDITIONS: WWW can fly on her broom and commands her army of flying monkeys; Triton is confined to the reflecting pool but wields his magical trident and has legions of leaping piranhas at his disposal.
Who wins?
Prince vs. Elton John
ARENA: A candlelight vigil in the wind.
CONDITIONS: Prince can hurl a bladed version of his symbol, which returns like a boomerang, can summon purple rainclouds that pour down acid, and perform a dance that lets him control a swarm of bats; Elton has a rocket launcher and the assistance of Timon, Pumba, and Tony Danza.
Who wins?
Beatles Free-for-all
ARENA: Rio de Janiero.
CONDITIONS: Each Beatle is 40 meters high, two meters bigger than the Jesus statue in the city.
CONDITIONS: Each Beatle is 40 meters high, two meters bigger than the Jesus statue in the city.
Who wins?
Danny Tanner vs. Tim (the tool man) Taylor
ARENA: Cheers.
CONDITIONS: Danny is like Gambit and can hurl DVDs of America’s Funniest Home Videos that will explode on impact; Tim wields only a drill gun but can pause the fight to consult Wilson for battle strategies.
CONDITIONS: Danny is like Gambit and can hurl DVDs of America’s Funniest Home Videos that will explode on impact; Tim wields only a drill gun but can pause the fight to consult Wilson for battle strategies.
Who wins?
Steve Urkel vs. Screech
ARENA: A giant labyrinth game.
CONDITIONS: Urkel has sharpened indestructible no. 2 pencils and a machete; Screech’s fro is four feet high, made up of thin razors, impervious to attacks, and he can retreat inside of it like an armadillo and roll.
CONDITIONS: Urkel has sharpened indestructible no. 2 pencils and a machete; Screech’s fro is four feet high, made up of thin razors, impervious to attacks, and he can retreat inside of it like an armadillo and roll.
Who wins?
Golden Girls Free-for-all
ARENA: Outer Space.
CONDITIONS: Each is suited up in an Iron Man power suit that allows them to breathe in Outer Space.
CONDITIONS: Each is suited up in an Iron Man power suit that allows them to breathe in Outer Space.
Who wins?
Billy Joel vs. Sting
ARENA: An Italian restaurant.
CONDITIONS: Billy can drop pianos from the ceiling, start fires with his mind (but blame it on someone else), and has goat horns; Sting has a night stick, handcuffs, a taser, and the tail of a scorpion.
CONDITIONS: Billy can drop pianos from the ceiling, start fires with his mind (but blame it on someone else), and has goat horns; Sting has a night stick, handcuffs, a taser, and the tail of a scorpion.
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